Thursday, May 15, 2008

To You

I’m only real when I’m with you. Everything else when I’m not with you seems like a sham, movie set props with fronts and no backs, insubstantial. I have been called reckless, I have been called careless but no one seemed to realise this was only when I was on my own and you were not around and I did not care. I live because of you and there are places and situations I have been in that I would not have strode back from alive were it not for the thought of you and seeing your smile again.

I have a wanderer’s blood, started planning my escapes before I had the ability to, in search of a thrill that a newer brand of cigarette, a strangely named hard liquor could not bring back much anymore, anonymous sex revolting in the morning illusory in its excitement, I was seeking you and I did not know.

I used to be afraid that when this time came and you were in my life, I would never be free again, I would never have my rambles again, friends would become past memories, spontaneous compound barbecues would be outlawed, Friday evening trips to other towns frowned on so much they would never be enjoyed, mornings in rooms alone with my facebook of memories mulled over disagreeable; I find that I have been freer than since I have been with you. Free with little terror.

I started to say I love you and you said wait. Wait. In the still moments of calm repose I knew and understood why you did not want me to say it, let your eyes speak, let your fingers mark with tattoo caresses, let your lips smudge kisses never to be washed off, your breath be my breath, your limbs my limbs in this thoughtless exhausted sleep we drop into, let us not cover ourselves but be warmed by the love you wanted to carelessly speak of. I understood.

You’re a worker of miracles who won’t acknowledge your power. You’re a divine presence in my life when I had never held such beliefs. You’re the only one who has made me say Yes when saying No was so much easier. I want to say Thank You for all this more. For a week ago when you said Yes.

13 comments:

Cinderella said...

oooh firsties...

kati, yes to a marriage proposal? should we be planning a celebratory party?

this is really beautiful...

thrretypesofcrazy said...

I will assume and go ahead and say CONGRATULATIONS.

Phoenix said...

For a week ago when you said Yes.

FUCK

I'LL BE DAMNED IF THE LOVE KING DID NOT PROPOSE.

OH MY GOD, WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN.

FINALLY AN OCCASION TO PULL OUT MY DRESS.

Peace said...

How beautifully written!

Yes, this must be yes to a marriage proposal. Congratulations!

Jasmine said...

i've told you before haven't i? you make me want to fall in love.
if it's like your's, i want.

~ScotchBiscuits~ said...

I hope she has read this post!

Lovely Amphibian said...

She said yes! Slap of the back.

leos child said...

me those things of making me feel as if am not bright! everytime i come and read i get frustrated your work is simply beautiful i think autumn would feel like your piece though i dont know what autumn feels like.

Carlo said...

((weeping softly)) I want that written about me!! I want your love. I want, I want, I WANT!! ((stamping foot like a child))

Seriously, congratulations. I swear I'd marry you just cuz you spoke so beautifully about me. And YAY!! a wedding to go to. Tantantala . . .

Phoenix said...

I am with Carlo except I would leave you if you got me used to such writings and stopped even for a day. Jasmine I know what you mean. He makes me think ever so slightly that I could in another world, fall in love

Phoebe said...

oooooh!!!!

Cheri said...

This is so beautiful. And I'm happy and excited for u Iwaya.

How can she not say to u? When u are this passionate. I know I wouldn't.

DeTamble said...

You're getting married? Is this what's happening? Or did I just make it up through my flu induced haze?