Thursday, January 31, 2008

“Nothing To Lose Tattooed Around His Gun Wounds…”


“Because love is strange and wonderful.”

I have come to say goodbye. Standing infront of you, suddenly I realize how hard this is going to be. To say goodbye, to let you go, and all the white doved dreams fluttering their wings in blue morning skies over brown tiled domed cathedrals, hill gazing-visiting: I’m going to miss you.

I have come to say goodbye because this is my last blog post. I have thought about this day everyday and I have often wondered what I would say to you, had many lines sometimes, but now that the day has finally come; it seems all I can say is, I have come to say goodbye.

I’m alright really though the year has begun strangely with joy and pain simultaneous, but I’m clinging onto what F. Scott Fitzgerald said when he said, “The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” I have shared with you nearly everything but I cannot do my juggling in public anymore, not right now anyway. There are things that have happened that must be put away and their attic room locked for many years if I’m to laugh again.

I’m going back to places I have not been to in years, with my camera this time, Nathaniel Hawthorne reclaiming what I had carelessly spilled: Washington Irving burying all old ghosts. I’m taking down books from an old bookshelf I have not touched or dusted since I left my house on the hill, understanding why I underlined certain lines on certain pages in green ink. I’m going to insert photographs in a photo album I have owned but never used before though I will never again hold the warm living hand of some of the people I will never forget because none of us live forever and the good die young. There are phone numbers in maroon pocket notebooks I have not dialed that I need to dial. I’m going back to go forward, the future in the past; pattern-making, regaining trueness: coming home. I have sat in my father’s house for the first time in nearly four years in what was my old bedroom, my old desktop computer humming and grunting in the background (Goddamnit, that problem was supposed to have been fixed!), talking to my mother, letting her cradle my face in her palms the way she used to when I was a baby, nearly weeping because I came so close to death this year and survived intact at least physically: there is so much to talk about!

It is not the journeys you make that change you but the people that you let love you, loving them back. I have held hands in the stillness of strange city rooms, brushed lips at the back of under construction restaurants lake gazing, temporarily not in flight, learning this: I will always need your love. I have found a girl who looks in my eyes with complete trust and sometimes taken aback I still stare at her in disbelief, climbing the archway to the heaven of her heart. She gets me. My home is where I walk a street holding her hand to an Indian owned supermarket past idling Special Hire car drivers to buy the lightest of wines she will drink with me during Sunday lunch or late in the evening, not quite decided if we should watch a movie, turn down the lights and listen to music, talking, or go friend visiting in this town that in my travels has turned up more people I know than I thought lived here. Well, thank you for Kingfisher Wine and Dido and The Obsessions at National Theater on weekends and wonderful Nandos pizza evenings, looking for the newspaper vendor for my copy of The Sunday Vision, night taxi journeys with her head on my shoulder, the silly things her friends do and say that keep us for hours laughing over Mulefu’s delicious grilled chicken: I’m going to pay more attention to all this. Away from you.

So I have come to say goodbye. Even if I do not quite know what to say. I have loved you, I love you now, but I have come to say goodbye. Listening to Jay-Z’s Wishing on a Star on my I-Pod, Biggie set to play all of Life After Death after of course, all the places I’m going to after you already on my mind. I hope I’m not going to disappoint you. Smile one more time for me. You know you have been more than a star to me, you have been my Sun. See me shine because of your light.


17 comments:

Cinderella said...

so beautiful... sad that we will not have this anymore but if you feel it is best, then may you always be happy

Sara said...

good luck. i'll miss the little (or maybe more than that) i knew.

thrretypesofcrazy said...

you will be missed. All the best.

~ScotchBiscuits~ said...

now how do I get over that?

Jasmine said...

sometimes you must walk alone to find your song again.

i pray you find your song.

Godspeed my friend.

gayuganda said...

We shall miss you dude. The warmth of your presence, the poetry of your words, the humanness of your posts. Thanks for sharing with us so much of what the world has been to you. Thanks for being a light in this cold cyber world of ours.

Safe journey, life’s journey. May it be a good journey.

I will miss you. Hope you come back again, dust this bookshelf and hang there some new books, chapters of a life that you are going to be writing of now.

Farewell, or in my corrupted French, ‘au revoir’, see you again, though we’ve never met. See you, once again, on life’s peerless journey.

Au revoir.

GayUganda

ish said...

why did your good-bye have to be so... so... i don't know....

you made me cry.

p.s. that picture on my blogger profile? i was reading you when that was taken. you have been there for me whenever i needed you. like the chilli peppers. thank you friend.

ish said...

could i make a request?

could you not delete the blog. please. as in, even if you stop, could you leave it all up there. because there are some things that i sometimes come back to. things that have helped me grow. and i would miss them very much.

kissyfur said...

I want to say dont go, but that would be selfish.
So I will say Thank You.

cb said...

your goodbye posts remain a marvel to read. marvelous like watching the waters of a lonely beach patting the bank before parting with it and back into the deep. i remember so well the longing u put in the parting poem on your way to sudan. and now this. am still searching. searching for the word to best describe the way you express yourself. there's a rousing sadness about your style. i've changed much since the new year and because of that i don't take to the attitude of your pieces but i must confess i still sneak in and still find your writing decorously lingering. all the best. buddy.

muganda said...

is this staged?
you'll be missed,
where will my inspairation come from now?
so long.

Peace said...

No, Iwaya. Please don't go!

modoathii said...

"I’m going back to go forward, the future in the past.."

all the best dude, and yeah, like ish said, leave your blog open. we've gotten many an inspiration, courage, direction, from you.

i too say thank you. and i take my bow.

Lovely Amphibian said...

can't explain it. like it was losing Jay, it is going to be hard to come to terms with not reading something new here every once in a while.

Cheri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheri said...

I hope this is just a phase and that u'll be back soon.
I hope it’s part of the journey.
And that u’ll come back anew and afresh.

I hope it's a holiday.
A vacation or whatever the Floridians call it these days.
But I hope it aint no real good bye.

I hope it’s a matter of time before u realize that u miss home and thus u must return.

I hope u find joy and happiness in whatever u've set out to do. And I hope u can come back and tell us about it.

And I hope that when u finally come back to tell us about it,
As we’ll be seated around the fire
We’ll all get amazed, wonder, chuckle, giggle, laugh and howl at the stories, fun, the jokes, the travels and the babies.

All the best.

Cheri said...

Iwaya, I saw on FB that u're writing again thanks to the chick poweer. I surely hope when u say writing u mean blogging... Because this maybe the best news so far today. Assuming the lotto ticket I bought doesnt bring me the jackpot.

But Yippie!!!!