It’s at the end of the day, this wanderer of night streets, that I usually sit back, think, and try to analyze what I have done. What have I done? It’s not nothing because I do not feel empty. It’s not nothing because I do not feel ashamed that another day has gone by, I was in this day, and I’m ending it. It’s not nothing because I was here, appearing not to work, working. It’s not nothing. I know it’s not nothing.
Yet still, at the end of the day, this wanderer pauses, steps back and wants to look back, asking myself, what have I done today? Today I left. I know there are a few ends, loose bits of string that still need knotting, floating emotions that still need to be anchored to something useful for I do not believe in wasted emotion hoary like mist, but I have left. I have left.
I have left three years of laughter, three years of work, three years of pain, three years of memories, three years of friends, three years of dreams, three years of hopes, three years of familiar landmarks, three years of you. I have left. I ask myself, what did I do today and I know what I did. I have left. Today I left. Is it not enough, for today, to look back and think, I have left? Three years of me, gone, like they never existed? I have left.
I want to take a deep breath, have a cigarette in my trembling fingers steadying me, leaning back in my seat, Ronnie here, Michael there, P there, we lucky four in a kafunda in Wandegeya, end of the day, the din of talk and jokes smothering the vast terror inside me, and know its going to be ok. But its not like that anymore. Michael’s already taken his walk, Ronnie is still looking for his clutches, and P left before anyone of us ever knew one day this kafunda would close, there would be no more beers, no more ndume and we would have to go out and go home, each alone. I’m left alone now. It is my turn. And today, I left. Once again, left.
To new beginnings, new adventures, many unknowns, death leering at all my activities from now on, but greater than death, posterity and the opportunity for this curved spine to straighten out again. So left. Today I left. Last week, I did not know I was going to leave. I had not planned to leave. I had no thoughts of leaving.
One 1pm call, Friday, and today I left. Strengthen me Biggie and all the explorers who have gone before. Give me the courage when my faith in this undertaking is faltering and squatting beneath tree bunches with my heart in my palms when I’m afraid, strengthen me. Remind me I’m not the first to sing, “94 now I explore new horizons,” strengthen me with Stephen Crane courage!
Reader, I pray for strength!