Friday, September 22, 2006

Non Sum Qualis Eram Bonae Sub Regno Cynarae

When I first moved into your life, stranger I never met, I used to look for signs of you. Lingering traces to prove you had never left. Irrefutable evidence to nail down the truth she was still in love with you.

Sometimes I thought I had found them. In the way she used certain words; using quaint slang like “slap” to mean she was pleased with an idea I had had for where to drive to for our Saturday afternoons, to another secluded beach in a town with three kiosks. Slanging I was sure she could only have learned from you.

Living with her I was living with you when she did not like the way I cleared my nose and throat before volubly spitting in the bathroom sink before sleep, would sit up pouting till I noticed I had stepped out of my trousers lying on the rug almost pulling back the blanket to enter bed, always trying to insist I sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door: all these once endearing male habits now hated because you were no longer together and she did not want me imitating them because I could never be you. Because of you, I thought, with her I could never be a man.

I had looked at your photographs in her album of you so long I was certain you had a bigger everything. Making love, hearing her call again and again while gasping for breath, sweaty, forehead furrowed, eyes squeezed shut, “You’re the best! The best! No one has ever done to me the things you are doing to me!” I knew only you were on her mind. Always you.

I hacked into her email inbox, followed her to work in the morning and waited around the corner after, hired Romeos to try-test her resistance for the time when you would come back to woo her, waiting for you. Sure you were coming, she was waiting. Your phone number in my address book I called you. I was so busy finding you, I never did find her.

14 comments:

Mr. Magoo. said...

Sometimes life is so much easier if you just celebrate the fact that you are a lucky fellow. She is with you. She could have been with somebody else.

Eddie said...

Now that is what i can virtually call falling in love...
The way you explained it,...my God, ...even drama is way back but hopefully you landed in to her....

Did you?

scotchbiscuits said...

I like! how you point out exactly what makes it fail when people start to look over their shoulders all the time for the other persons ex. cant see where you are going if you keep looking behind!

nevender said...

i see u have had your blog long enuff. i do not know however your obsession with Tupac? Que paso? tsap? i got to post a new blog today. get time and read it.

Jadekitten said...

I wonder what it is that makes us, time and again, instead of revelling in each other, watch for shadows, reading between the lines. I'm a self confessed looking-over-my-shoulder-phobe.

Darlkom said...

Beautiful.

Just Rich said...

"If i start giving more weight to the things i didnt know because of the half digested view of an analytical life, its working against myself." Jack Nicholson.
I couldnt find better (or original) words to convey my thoughts on digging up your lover's past.

undo said...

Its tempting, it drives one to curiosity each step you do it, there is something in there that is very much psychotropic. that draws you to want to know more. Its a disaster waiting to happen if you can't avoid just leaving it rest.

minty said...

Trouble is you're torturing yourself, she's enjoying herself, oblivious. I like the last line. Too true.

Goddess of Sorts said...

which is y i can't fight for a man. 'it's the guy i was interested in, not you honey, so it's him i've got the beef with unfortunately, not u.'

nevender said...

gwe, u know that sista i was talking about...i was just tryin to be sarcastic when she reads it herself. she is a friend of mine and well been friends like for since first year, it is third year now.put something up man.

Degstar said...

d past is exactly that; the past.
best to leave it where you found it mate.

L7 said...

what heartbreak.

Iwaya said...

@all y'all: "the past is never dead" Indian proverb/William Faulkner...Until You Deal With It.